So, suppose you've gone nuts in 1692. You believe that your neighbor, a totally rude guy who used to steal your lunch or something, has to go. You want to accuse him of being a creepy cackling witch. So what do you do to get proof that's so convincing, that the other panicking townsfolk in Salem are willing to overlook the fact that this "witch" of yours is a guy (maybe he's a warlock)? Take your pick of the two most effective methods available to you:
Pressing:
Ok, so basically you kick down your neighbor's door, grab him and put the door on top of him (spare boards work great too). Next you start chucking rocks on top of him to test his squishability. The result will be one of three things: 1) He could confess to witchcraft and the townsfolk would believe you, 2)He'll die under the crushed rocks and you've killed an innocent man, or 3)He actually is a witch and he jumps up and starts chasing you screaming Avada Kedavra.
The Witch Cake
Now, you're taking care of your neighbor's dog, and you discover that you've run out of kibble. You oddly enough decide that the best solution to this problem is to make him a fluffy "witch cake". You go the the cupboard and look in the locally printed Cooking for Dummies manual. The ingredients are all in the pantry except for the final ingredient: witch urine...(use your imagination here)...after you've cooked up this lovely 5 star meal, you feed it to the poor unsuspecting dog. Now you gather the townsfolk and present them with this oddity, announcing that your neighbor is clearly a witch if he retains a sensory connection with this cake. If the cake is in pain (i.e. through consumption by a dog), then so is the man. Foolproof right?
Warning: 20 people were killed in the making of this blog.
Author's Note: Despite my attempts to use humor as the backbone for this entry, I mourn the truth behind it. Both these methods were used (though I put my own twist on them) in the Salem witch trials, often in the case of pressing, fatally.
My reacttion to parts of this was to laugh. I'd say the funniest part was option #3 (Avada Kedavra), because I could actually picture something like that happening in the present day.
ReplyDeleteBut then the seriousness of the whole situation sets in and you can't help but feel horrible
that so many innocent people were killed.
Sam Cazam supersam you did it again, this is a extremely funny blog especially when you said 3)he will get up start chasing you screaming Avada Kedavra. I like the way you put the blog together, e.g. the starting on how to find proof and then you give out the methods.
ReplyDeleteThe blog is full of laughter. I liked the part when you said Warning 20 people were killed creating this blog. This is very funny and at the same time it reminds of the innocent people being killed.
Very clever, my friend. I think the best part about this blog is that you were able to put yourself in the shoes of one of the accusers in the Salem Witch Trials. It's true that most of the people who accused others had ulterior motives for the accusations, whether or not they themselves realized it. Good post.
ReplyDelete